Outside.
Thursday, I’m going out of town this weekend and I can’t wait. I’m hoping this road trip with my girlfriend and our friends will help with this feeling I’ve had this week. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, but it is still one that comes up fairly often. The feeling of being outside. Of being there with everyone, but somehow being left out. I know where these feelings come from, what causes them, and I know too there is not a whole lot I can do about it, other than suck it up.
I am the only one in my rather large household who has to get up in the morning. Everyone else stays up all night until dawn while I sleep. I go to bed alone, and wake up with my girlfriend next to me, then I trudge my ass to work while everyone stays home and has fun. I miss out on most of the stories and happenings, and when I get home everyone is talking to eachother about things that I’ve missed, and I just feel left out.
I hate going to bed alone so I stay up as late as I physically can, and end up being exhausted all day, exhaustion has become my normal mode. I hate not being able to join in on all the laughter. So much is hard to get unless you were there. No one is trying to make me feel like this, or purposefully leave me out, I know this. I do get angry that I have to go to work in the morning. Mornings are lonely too, I’m usually the only one awake, sitting and eating my breakfast alone in a house full of people.
I refuse to wallow in self pity, but I do get lonely. Looking forward to the weekend, the only time I feel included.
